Them Old Drunk Texts
by The Funky Potato
Summary: Because for Hinata, the wonkiest drunk she'd ever come across was Sasuke. /AU/OOCness.


**Them Old Drunk Texts**

* * *

A Sasu-Hina One-Shot

**Disclaimer:** It's not mine. Okay? Okay. Some lines aren't mine, they're borrowed. Now go get drunk and text someone. Don't sue me for plagiarism.

**A/N:** This really happened to me, no kidding. The poorly made Harry Potter references were actually said. Either way, I was a blushing and stuttering mess after all.. THAT.

Enjoy !

* * *

'_Text Message'_

_Thoughts_

"_Phone Conversations"_

* * *

'_10:37 p.m. : Heyyyyyy there, sexy.;) – S.U.'_

'_10:39 p.m. : Why aren't u replyin, sexy ? – S.U.'_

'_10:41 p.m. : I wanna challenge you to a game of Mario Kart. U up for it, Miss Hyuga ? ;) – S.U'_

'_10:43 p.m. : I think I broke me nose. – S.U.'_

'_10:46 p.m. : That was soooooo Hagrid of me. –S.U.'_

'_10:48 p.m. : Now that we are Harry Potter talking, can I like.. Slytherine bed with u ? –S.U.'_

'_10:52 p.m. : Okayyyy.. That was soooooo not original. Don't sue me for plagiarism. –S.U.'_

'_10:55 p.m. : Where's the room of requirement when u need one ? Cuz I got me some spells to practice with me wand ;) – S.U.'_

'_10:56 p.m. : I have the sexiest nose ever. I mean, how could a nose be so fucking sexy ? I know how. Cuz it's an Uchiha's nose. Even though it's smothered by blood right now. :P – S.U.'_

He was drunk. He had to be. There was otherwise no way that Uchiha Sasuke would text Hyuga Hinata. And even if he would, he wouldn't be talking to her like this. Like a horny–dog-meets-crazy-lunatic. Sure, they were part of the same friend circle, hung out every weekend with the very same circle, shared almost every class together. They'd always been on 'Hi-Hello' terms with each other.

But never had she thought that the stoic Uchiha would text her. That too when he was drunk.

Her cell phone chimed, again. She turned red, again. Her fingers trembled while she unlocked her phone. She tapped on the icon and read the latest flirtatious text she received from his number.

'_11:07 p.m. : Hate to brake it to u this way, but I'm sorta drunk. And LONELY. My bed feels cold, Neko-Chan ;) – S.U.'_

She ignored the use of the wrong 'break'. She ignored the use of 'Neko-Chan'. She ignored the rush in the pit of her stomach. She ignored the goose bumps on her skin, the crimson on her cheek. She ignored the feeling of being wanted by him. She ignored the way she wanted him too.

She wanted to ignore the fact that he was drunk.

'_11:09 p.m. : You wanna be a doc, rite ? Could you like, temme the harmful effects of mixing whiskey, vodka, fruit loops, French fries and nacho chips ? – S.U.'_

Alcohol and junk food. This guy was going to suffer the whole morning with a headache and raging diarrhea.

'_11:11 p.m. : Do you know that I dream about u every fuckin nite evn when I don't wanna ? That every time I see u in class, with that lavender ball point pen in ur mouth, I feel like grabbing u by ur neck and do unimaginable things to those lips ? Gahhhh.. Hime… The things I think about u… ;) – S.U.'_

Hinata almost squealed like a fangirl. She shouldn't be doing that. She should've given him a solid lecture on how inappropriate he was being.

He'd dreamed about her. He felt like grabbing her neck. He wanted to do unimaginable things to her lips. He thought about her.

He was also drunk. Super drunk.

'_11:13 p.m. : Shikamaru's hair resemble a pineapple. Hey, do u know what brand of shampoo does Neji use ? Maybe Sakura isn't naturally pink up there, u know ? I mean, PINK ?! -_- - S.U.'_

Hinata almost threw her cell phone on the bedside table in frustration. She knew she won't be getting enough sleep that night. She also had a major test the next day, the contents of which were long lost from her brain because of that stupid duck-butt Uchiha. She got up from her bed and started pacing around her room. She thought of punching the walls, but she wouldn't because she was Hinata. And also the fact that Neji might wake up in the next room and glare at her with his face undergoing a twitching fit made her shudder. She stopped dead on her tracks when she heard her phone blaring behind her. She scrambled back to bed, silencing the phone and praying to the entity above to save her if anyone woke up because of her.

'_11:24 p.m. : I have a mole on my neck that won't stop itching. Maybe u could check it out for me.. A lil' lick here, a small nip there.. ;).. Why do u even have a phone if u don't respond to anyone's texts..?Have I done something to offend u ? I mean.. I haven't even passed a single comment on ur breasts and the numerous ways I wanna touch em. – S.U.'_

'_11:35 p.m. : LOL. JK. I was totally kiddin, Hime. BTW, did u knw that the process in which goats give birth to kids, is called kidding ? So the next time anyone's like "Dude.. I'm totally kiddin..", should I like… Assume that the person is.. IDK.. A FUCKING GOAT ?! _ - S.U.'_

Hinata buried the phone underneath her covers and tried to make her breaths normal. What was happening? Was he toying with her? Maybe it was a dare. Was he going to embarrass her the next day in front of the whole school?

Was he aware about her raging affection for him ? If he was, then God could only save her.

'_11:43 p.m. : I hate goats. They're so effing freaky. I mean okay, they give us milk and all.. But have you ever been chased by a goat..? By a goat with horns ? The. Most. Terrifying. Experience. – S.U.'_

A goat had chased after the majestic Uchiha ? Anyway, she was still in her freaking out mode. She was now hundred percent sure that he was just messing around with her. The whole school would pity her.

* * *

_I am so dead. He's going to make fun of me in front of the whole group. Sakura's going to be so mad. Oh my. She's gonna kill me. She's gonna freak out and stab her plastic fork through my heart and kill me in front of everyone._

* * *

Hinata went into her bathroom and splashed water on her face. Everything was going to be okay. She was going to be okay.

* * *

_It won't be so bad. Maybe he would be drunk enough not to remember a single thing. I won't have to suffer Sakura's thundering wrath then. But what if he remembers every fudging thing? Would he ignore me or just downright mock me ?_

* * *

She checked the phone once again. The fact that two more messages had been received wasn't a shock to her.

'_11:47 p.m. : Don't say this to anyone, but I ADORE PANDA BEARS. THEY ARE SO COOL. AND AWESOME. AND WHITE. AND BLACK. Gaara resembles a panda. But that does NOT mean that I adore Gaara .I adore pandas. Not Gaara-Pandas. – S.U.'_

* * *

_Well, I'd much rather adore Sasuke-Pandas._

* * *

'_11:56 p.m. : Hinata, I think we're having a one sided conversation. AND I NEVER KNEW ! BTW, what color are you wearing to school tomorrow ? Maybe we could match ? ;) – S.U.'_

* * *

_Even twins hate wearing matching clothes these days, dork._

* * *

Her phone buzzed again.

'_12:03 a.m. : Hey ,Hina.. Would u marry me if u somehow are tired of loving Narutard, around 10 yrs later? We would have the cutest babies, KYAHHH ! The Uchiha-Hyuga babies will shake the earth by itz roots.. Or is it axis ? Did u know ? The speed of the rotation of the earth on itz own axis is decreasing and increasing on itz own accordddd ?! :O – S.U.'_

He wanted to marry Hinata ? He wanted her babies ? Hinata squealed and rubbed her reddening cheeks in a manic like frenzy. She took a deep breath and sat back against the headboard. What if he really liked her like that..?

* * *

_No. He's Uchiha Sasuke. He's the most popular guy of our school. He's Naruto-kun's bestfriend. He is Sakura's long time crush, ever since second grade. He is the prodigy of our batch._

* * *

He was also her first love. The first person who, in his own subtle way, helped her. Helped her in so many ways.

He urged her to confess her feelings for the Uzumaki blonde, even if he just scowled at her everytime she stuttered around him or shook his head at her pathetic attempts.

* * *

_He'd purposely pushed me in Naruto-kun's way that day. And then had laughed in front of everyone when I squeaked out my confession with the velocity of light._

* * *

Hinata smiled at memory. She wanted it all to be true. His habit of throwing in facts whenever he was trying to avoid awkward moments made her giggle. She felt her phone vibrate in her hands, once again.

'_12:07 a.m. : Hinata, if my abrupt confession freaked u out, I'm sorry. Actually, I aint sorry. AT ALL. I always wanted to round u up in a corner and tell u all about my feelings 2wards u. Hehe. ^_^ - S.U.'_

Hinata's thumb hovered over the reply icon. She wanted to reply. To all his texts. She wanted to shout it out from the rooftops of her house, that she was irrevocably head over heels for this guy. She wanted him to marry her. She wanted to have his babies. She wanted to repeat the baby making process till eternity, joining sides with the perverse part of her brain. She wanted to be with him. Why couldn't she just man up.. or in her case, wo-MAN up and tell him ?

* * *

_Because I backed out in the fear of mockery._

* * *

Mockery. Maybe he was trying to get revenge on something she did.

Was he plotting some sick, twisted revenge for that one time she accidentally smashed his hand in her locker ?

* * *

_Fudge it. I'm going to just reply to him, once. ONLY ONCE._

* * *

She calmed her insides down and typed him a quick reply.

'_12:11 a.m. : Sasuke-kun, are you okay ? Maybe you should sleep ? Take care, I'll see you at school tomorrow..? I'll even get you some chicken soup for your hungover state tomorrow. Good night. –H.H.'_

There. She did it. She won't be dying because of plastic forks and shame tomorrow.

'_12:13 a.m. : YOU REPLIED ! SHE REPLIED ! HINATA REPLIED ! Hinata, now that u've engaged in a conversation with me, perhaps u should knw, that all d stuff I just told you, was TRUE. I'm gonna marry u sumday n we're gonna have beautiful Uchi-Yuga babies. Narutard can go fuck himself. – S.U.'_

She shouldn't have replied. Why the fudge did she reply ?

* * *

_If something happens to me tomorrow, I'm totally shifting to Suna._

* * *

She jumped out of her reverie when she heard the familiar ringtone of her phone, informing her of someone calling.

She answered without checking the caller I.D. She should've checked the caller I.D.

"_WHY WEREN'T YOU RESPONDING TO ME TEXTS, TOMATO ?!"_

Tomato ? She knew that he was obsessed with tomatoes.. But calling her one was absurd.

"Ano.. Sasuke-kun.. C-c-can we pl-please talk to-tomorrow..? I'm tr-trying to sl-sleep.."

There. She wasn't going to give him anything but arrogance.

Only if a word like that existed in her dictionary..

"_Sleep..? Youuuuu should like.. Hehe.. Sleep with meee.. Cuz you'll heat up my bed in a much better waaay..Your body curled around mine,naked under those lavender sheets you have.. And your pristine white skin adorned with love bites.. My love bites.." _ Sasuke slurred in a drunken state.

Hinata gasped and almost pulled out a chunk of her midnight blue hair in surprise and ecstasy.

Boy, this guy could really talk dirty. Talk dirty in cave-man language. And Hinata, being Hinata blushed crimson, biting her lip to prevent 'Inner Hinata' from squealing out loud like a five year old who'd just gotten a free life-time supply of gummy bears.

"Sasuke-kun.. I th-think you sh-should sleep.."

And let her sleep too.

"_Hinata.. I own a pair of boxers."_

She thought she heard him shifting on his bed, or whatever he was sitting on.

"I th-thought every b-boy did.."

* * *

_Oh did I just do ?! Sakura would stab me with her plastic knife if she totally flips and throws her mashed potatoes and peas on my face ?! Or drown me in milk ? I won't go near Sakura during lunch._

* * *

Hinata heard him chuckling and moving around. She heard something clinking in the background and Sasuke muttering profanities.

* * *

_He must be running out of alcohol._

* * *

"_Nooooo.. I mean like.. Like a pair of boxers with red tomatoes on it.."_

Hinata bit her lip again. Sasuke wearing a pair of boxers with red tomatoes patterned all over them ?

* * *

_Downright EDIBLE._

* * *

"Red to-tomatoes.. ?"

"_Not actual_ _tomatoes. Like.. Patterned red toooomatoooes.."_

"Oh."

* * *

_I knew that, duck butt sex bomb._

* * *

"Who's duck butt sex bomb?" Sasuke asked, amusement clearly evident in his tone. She knew it. She'd said her thoughts out loud and now she was going to get crushed. He was going to crush her under his feet tomorrow.

* * *

_I'm going to be the laughing stock of the whole school tomorrow. I'm even going to suffer innumerable deaths tomorrow by his fangirls. And if, by any chance I'm gonna reach home in one piece, Neji will make sure that he tears me apart by his moral lectures and looks of despair._

* * *

"N-no one.."

"_Really ? I thought that you found me sexy. But obviously, Karma's a bitch."_

Karma ? Where did that come from ?

"I do-don't understand.."

"_Did I say anything that seemed un-understandable to you ? I've always lov-liked you, y-you dense I've always wanted you to lov-like m-me back.. But you're always running after that idiot, stuttering and blushing like nuts. Do you have any idea what that does to me? Of course you don't. You are even more oblivious than him."_

* * *

_I and oblivious? He's oblivious. He still thinks that I like Naruto-kun. Then he gets drunk, texts me stuff which makes me want to jump around and throw confetti in the air. And then he still has the audacity to point out that I'm oblivious. Stupid hypocrite._

* * *

Should she tell him everything ? She could feel her heartbeat galloping around in her rib cage. She inhaled deeply and said,

"I-I.. Sa-Sasu-Sasuke-kun.. I h-have t-to go."

She couldn't say it. Why ? Because the irrational fear of him mocking her was eating up her insides. She wanted him to shut his mouth and end the call. She didn't want to hear false declarations of love sprouting out of his beautifully carved lips.

He couldn't have liked her. For all she knew, maybe he was trying to get back on her for that one time she scored better than him in their Calculus test.

* * *

_Maybe I've let him push things too far.._

* * *

"_Hinata.. Don't go. I've wanted to confess to you ever since third grade. Please.."_

"Oh.."

THIRD GRADE ? HE LIKED HER SINCE THIRD EFFING GRADE ?!

Hinata pinched herself in desperation. Maybe this was all just a dream.

A very, very satisfying one at that.

"_Hinata ? Hello…?! HINATAAAAAAAAA… I think she's fainted. Have you fainted, Hinata ?!"_

* * *

"HYUGA HINATA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING DOWN ON THE FLOOR?!" Hyuga Neji looked down at his dear cousin lying eagle spread on the floor, wrapped around in her sheets like a burrito with its fillings spilling out everywhere.

He crossed her room in giant steps and pushed back the curtains. The light made her groan and roll around the floor in order to escape to some place dark enough. She felt someone grab her by the shoulders and hoist her up, only to be shoved back down on the bed, face first. She struggled to open her eyes, only to see Neji crossing his arms and shaking his head at her. She looked towards the door and saw Hanabi stifling her snickers, her eyes full of tears.

"These are the ill-effects of taking medical marijuana, Hinata-nee.." Hanabi cackled and ran away.

Neji snorted and uncrossed his arms.

"Whom were you talking to last night ?" He questioned, looking at her through the corner of his eyes as she sat upright on the bed and rubbed her eyes.

The minute the question was put forth, she stilled, her knuckles against her right eye and her mouth wide open in a yawn. She blushed scarlet and looked towards the wall in front of her, trying to avoid Neji's eyes.

"You mu-must be hallu-hallucinating, Ne-Neji-nii.." She looked towards him. She knew that he would pester her until she gave him a satisfying answer.

"I-I was just pr-practicing for the gr-group presentation we have on Fr-Friday." She continued, not missing the look Neji threw her way.

He was still not believing a word that came out of her mouth, yet he sighed and ruffled her hair.

"You should get ready, Hinata. Sasuke would be looking for you in school and we can't afford him getting edgy.. You know he hates waiting. Especially when he knows that he's going to be rejected by the hands of you." Neji said with a sly smirk, his eyes narrowed in amusement and suspicion. He walked towards her door and stopped before exiting.

"But I doubt that after yesterday's shenanigans, he would be willing enough. Get ready, Hinata. You even have to get started on that chicken soup."

Hinata screamed and threw the pillow at his face. He guffawed and exited the room, his laughter echoing in the whole manor.

* * *

_Calm down Hinata. Neji was just teasing you. But how did he come to know about yesterday ? Oh wait.. I'll have to face a hungover Sasuke today. I'll have to face the plastic utensils and piles of food being dumped on my head. I'll be chased around the school by those girls. And I'm going to flunk my Chemistry test because the only thing I remember about yesterday was the way his sensual voice slurred through the phone. Get a grip, HINATA !_

* * *

Hinata looked towards her abandoned phone lying on the floor. What was it doing down there ? Oh. Right. She'd fainted yesterday. While talking to him.

* * *

_Real cool Hinata. The first time the love of your life calls you up in the middle of the night, he's drunk and frenzied and you faint while he was speaking. Real cool. Maybe this is the reason why I had long lines of my suitors. NON-EXISTENT SUITORS._

* * *

She unlocked her phone and gushed around like a person high on weed when she saw sixteen text messages waiting for her.

'_12:43 a.m. : Hinata.. Are u okay ? Should I come to check u out ?- S.U.'_

'_12:45 a.m. : I'm so so so sorry…! I meant check up on u !-S.U.'_

'_12:56 a.m. : Are u tired ? Cuz u've been running through my mind all day.. Screaming. ;)-S.U.'_

'_1:03 a.m. : Please excuse my choice of pick up lines. As u know, I'm highly intoxicated.. By u. ;)-S.U.'_

'_1:09 a.m. : Are u still in love with that dobe ? If u are, then it's ok, Hinata. Just say the word. I won't bother u after this.- S.U.'_

'_1:12 a.m. : But are u like.. SERIOUS? Loving the dobe might cause fatal brain damage.. – S.U.'_

'_1:39 a.m. : Hinata.. I'm sorry for all.. that. I shouldn't have texted u, shouldn't have called u up in the middle of the night and bombarded my feelings on you. – S.U.'_

'_1:47 a.m. : Are u absolutely sure about him though ? This Narutard we're talking about..-S.U'_

'_1:49 a.m. : Do we have a test on electro chem. tomrrw ? – S.U.'_

'_1:59 a.m. : So helium walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The barman says " Sir, we don't serve noble gases." Helium did not react.. ! LOL.. I can't make chemistry jokes -_- . – S.U.'_

'_2:13 a.m. : What if instead of invoking earth, fire and water we instead invoked all of the elements of the periodic table.. Individually? It'll be like : HAIL THE SPIRITS OF ARGON ! Of the noblest gases! Join us in our circle and witness our rites! Lend us your lack of energy and the inability to affect chemical reactions in most circumstances! – S.U.'_

'_2:17 a.m. : Yeah.. I'm freaky like that. – S.U'_

'_2:23 a.m. : I got the movessss like Mick Jaggger. Grr. I can growl too. Grrrrrinata. Grrrasuke. Grrrrrilling. – S.U.'_

'_2:36 a.m. : U wanna know how I got these scars ? I used make up. HAHAHA.- S.U.'_

'_2:40 a.m.: Ne Hinaaa.. Could u keep a secret ? Neji likes Ino. – S.U.'_

'_2:58 a.m. : Okaay. I'm gonna go crash nw. I just wanna say something though. I really, really like you Hinata-Hime. But I'm gonna be blunt right now. If I ignore u tomrrw morning, it'll be because I'm sacred to accept the fact that I'd actually confessed my heart out to u, not because I hate u or wtvr. I'm sorry for the crappy night I caused you. Take care Hime. – S.U.'_

Hinata bit her lower lip and looked out the window. It was pretty evident that she won't be fighting off food or plastic forks or girls that day.

Hinata smiled to herself hopped off from her bed. After all, she had soup to make.

* * *

It was time for her Chemistry Class. She was going to see Sasuke in that class. She hadn't seen him since the moment she stepped inside school. He was not kidding when he had said that he'd ignore her.

She slid the door open and entered the classroom. Naruto waved towards her and beckoned her to come over to his seat. She shook her head and pointed towards her notes, trying to tell him to revise for the test. He grinned sheepishly and snatched Sakura's book, which earned him a bonk on the head.

"Naruto ! How many times do I have to tell you ? Bring your own Goddamned book to school..!" Sakura shrieked, ignoring his pleas. She looked towards Hinata and uttered out a string of greetings.

"Heya, Hina-Girl ! I heard from a lil' birdie that someone smoked weed yesterday ?" Sakura gave her an evil grin, her jade eyes sparkling in mischief. Hinata paled and then scowled.

* * *

_Of course. Hanabi, you are so dead._

* * *

"Ie.. Sakura.. I ju-just.. I'm gon-gonna go re-revise.." She trailed on, going towards her designated seat by the window. She searched around her bag for her lavender ball point pen, only to blush because of yesterday's commotion. He'd told her that he wanted to do unmentionable things to her mouth. Hinata's cheeks reddened, her fingers trembled.

From now on, she would always buy lavender ball pens.

She heard a rustle in front of her. She looked towards her desk, only to find a white paper with something scrawled on it.

' _Thanks for yesterday. '_

Hinata whipped around in her seat to face the person seated beside her. How could have she forgotten ? Uchiha Sasuke sat beside her in Chemistry. She saw him looking at her with amused eyes, his lips set in a sensual smirk.

The classroom door slid open once again to reveal Ms. Yuuhi, their Chemistry teacher.

"Okay. So students, I think today we have a test on Electrochemistry. Now, usually I'm not this lenient, but today I'm going to give you two options. First, we could have an open book test along with a class discussion. Or, we could have a quiz. You know, I'll divide the class in groups of four and pass you all question papers. After a group discussion the question papers and answer sheets will be returned back to me with every group's number on it. So, let's vote. Who votes fo-"

Hinata tuned out of her teacher's words as soon as she spotted Sasuke scrawling down another note. He passed the note to her and tapped his pen against the desk.

'_I hate to ask this but.. Have you brought me the soup ?'_

Hinata stifled a laugh. This was perhaps the best chemistry lecture she'd attended. She looked towards Sasuke, smiling down at her.

She blushed as she felt him lean down, underneath the desk.

* * *

_What is he doing ? Is he trying to have a glimpse at my underwear ?_

* * *

He tugged on the sleeve of her jacket. She leaned down with him and looked into his eyes and said,

"If you a-are trying to lo-look at m-my und-underwear, I-I-I wo-won't let yo-you.." She blushed scarlet and looked upwards.

* * *

_At least no one's catching us underneath the desk.._

* * *

Sasuke grasped her chin with his fingers, chuckling at shaking his head. He bent down, close to her ear and whispered,

"Why would I want to look at your rabbit-patterned undies, Hinata ? Just because you know that I have tomatoes on my boxers doesn't mean that I'll know the same.." He said, his eyes glittering with amusement.

"Shu-shutup. Stu-stupid dru-drunk texter.."

Sasuke suppressed a chuckle and caught her lips in a chaste kiss. He pulled away with a smile and lifted Hinata up. On resuming their postures as good students, Hinata bit her lip to stop herself from shouting out in pure glee. She looked towards the abandoned piece of paper on her desk.

'_I hate to ask this but.. Have you brought me the soup ?'_

She wrote down her answer in her neat handwriting and handed it to raven haired boy beside her.

'Yes. I even kept your secret safe with me.'

He smiled at her and intertwined their fingers together underneath the desk.

They were going to be okay. They weren't going to face the wrath of food, plastic utensils, girls or telecommunication.

The next time Sasuke was going to get drunk won't be with Alcohol. He was going to get intoxicated by her.

* * *

Voila, ladies..! I'm done. I cross my heart when I say this.. This really, really happened with me ;)

I need your love! Shower me with it !

Drunk reviews will work to ;)


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